The Fifth Set

A Chinese man has apparently had a knife stuck in his head for FOUR YEARS. When contacted for comment he said, "Duuuh I had a four year headache..."

A Chinese man has apparently had a knife stuck in his head for FOUR YEARS. He said the last thing he remembers was hanging out with Charlie Sheen.

A man was stabbed to death after an auto corrected text led to a misunderstanding. Apparently he sent the text, "Kill you marry me?"

Videos of people performing self-mutilation on you-tube are taking off in front of thousands of viewers. This is what happens when you don't let Charlie Sheen go back to work.

After playing a prank that he shaved his head, Justin Bieber is actually cutting his hair. This is news because Justin Bieber now has pubic hair to cut.

President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad has condemned the protester slayings in Libya calling the government's actions there "unimaginable." He went on to say, "It's ridiculous, they're not even killing any gays of Jews. Jeeeez!"

President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad has condemned the protester slayings in Libya calling the government's actions there "unimaginable." He then said, "Wait, wait, I mean to say AWESOME!"

Lindsay Lohan will not get out of having stolen a necklace without spending six months in jail. But we all know the prison time is really for being a coke whore.

Lindsay Lohan showed up to court in a fairly skimpy white dress and claimed "I was trying to dress conservative damnit!" She went on to say, "You could barely even see my snatch!"

Rihanna has allowed her restraining order against Chris Brown to expire. Critics expect this to be a hit with Chris Brown.

A fight broke out at a Massachusetts Denny's when there was a disagreement about syrup. And as a non participant of that fight, I say, "sweet."

A moviegoer was killed in a screening of Black Swan over a popcorn scuffle. To be fair, it was pretty gross that he was masturbating into the popcorn.

Seventeen Baltimore cops were charged in a scheme over towing people's cars. I tried to reach a few of them for comment, but I was preoccupied trying to figure out where my car went.

Republican Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin responded to a prank call and unveiled sordid information about his desire to crush unions and collective bargaining. The call ended abruptly when Walker left the phone off the hook to go catch his refrigerator.