Second Set

A study has just linked oral sex to increased levels of head and neck cancer. And that's just what happens when you smoke a lot of pole.

A study has just linked oral sex to increased levels of head and neck cancer. Men responded by saying, "That's how you know you've been doing it right."

A study reveals that a particularly emotional sports defeat can influence a person's heart health. In other news, Jay Cutler suffered a series of heart attacks this week while out WALKING AROUND.

A study reveals that a particularly emotional sports defeat can influence a person's heart health. Which just helps prove my theory that Brett Favre is actually a zombie.

A study reveals that a particularly emotional sports defeat can influence a person's heart health. While a particularly emotional sports victory can impact a person's ass health.

LeBron James says he sees no vindication in the Cleveland Cavaliers' collapse this season, as he sipped champagne in a throne and winked with a twinkle in his eye.

The African country of Malawi is preparing to making passing gas a crime. And all I can think about is how many people I could frame in Malawi.

The African country of Malawi is trying to outlaw "fouling the air". Analysts expect unsolved crimes to increase by about 10,000%

A Dallas teenager was fined $637 for swearing in her classroom. Upon receiving the ticket, she said, "Great."

Scientists have discovered that chimpanzees mourn their dead just like humans. But nobody knows how those chimps got a hold of all that booze.

Scientists have discovered that chimpanzees mourn their dead just like humans. They came to this conclusion after they witnessed a group of chimps giving another dead chimp a viking funeral.

A Boston area woman fatally stabbed her husband when she reportedly found a hickey on him. She then killed the chef and froze to death in the giant hedge maze outside of her snowbound hotel.

The national weather service has advised Chicago not to travel and to stay indoors during the coming storm. The natyional weather service has also told Chicago to clean its room, take out the garbage, and stop hanging around with that slut Minneapolis.

Anderson Cooper and his crew were attacked while reporting in Cairo. Friends say Cooper has done a real 180 on Egypt.

The TSA has revealed new "Generic Body Scanners" in airports to take more modest pictures of travelers. In response, thousands of creeps have quit the TSA.

The TSA has revealed new "Generic Body Scanners" in airports to take more modest pictures of travelers. Now TSA agents will just have to feel up the parts that they can't see.

Analysts are forecasting that the Obama re-election campaign could run a cost of up to one billion dollars. Part of Obama's strategy is to craft a cannon that will fire a million dollars a day into the sky.

The world wide web is running out of addresses to attach to websites. In related news, Godaddy's new spokesperson will be Joan Rivers.

Scientists say they have revealed the key mechanism to governing nicotine addiction. They also say they have revealed the process by which money is wasted on scientific experiments.

A South Carolina scientist is reportedly growing synthetic meat in a lab. He's doing it just to prove to his blow-up wife that he can.

The New Kids On The Block are set to play a show with the Backstreet Boys this summer at Fenway Park in an effort to set the record for the number of times the word "Queeah" has been said in one day."