First Set

A high school student was charged with sexual battery for his use of the "butt drag," in which a wrestler grabs his opponent's butt cheeks and places his finger in the opponent's anus for leverage. Justin Beiber did, however drop the charges.

The governor of Virginia proposed closing 332 state-owned liquor stores and replace them with 1,000 private retail outlets. Drunks responded by saying, "WHAT? Oh! I love you, man."

Brett Favre's sister was arrested for being involved with a meth lab. Her plea was recorded as guilty...ehhh...not guilty...No guilty....wait wait, not guilty actually, seriously this time.

They just shook up the Zodiac and this affects the 31% of Americans that believe in that stuff. That is the same percentage of people that support Sarah Palin, weird...

So some folks in Minnesota decided that it was time to change the Zodiac signs and dates. Millions of Americans are now relieved to have been cured of Cancer.

So there's a new alignment to the Zodiac which has changed up the pickup game for a lot of men to, "What's your new sign?"

The Zodiac alignment was rearranged. Somewhere the Zodiac killer is saying, "I knew I should have carried the one!"

So a society of people who believe in nonsense decided that the parameters of the nonsense should change. As a result millions of people have been slightly irritated.

Some people in Minnesota who think they are the authority on a bunk pagan vestige have changed the dates of the Zodiac. And under the new arrangement, the Metrodome will sell out every game last year, the Vikings will win the Superbowl and Brett Favre will be named MVP...eerrrr...

A new study shows that more and more Japanese men have little to no interest in sex, a percentage that has nearly doubled in the past three years. And I understand cause where the white women at?

A surprising study shows that Japanese men and women are showing a general lack of interest in sex. Possible solution to this problem. Send me over there!

A surprising study shows that Japanese men and women are showing a general lack of interest in sex. I think my girlfriend's turning Japanese, I think she's turning Japanese, I really think so.

A surprising study shows that Japanese men and women are showing a general lack of interest in sex. So I just bought my girlfriend a ticket to Japan.

A study has declared that Jewish people are the most blissful of all religious groups. Which just proves that money can buy happiness.
Jewish people were declared the happiest religious group in a recent study that they guilted some researchers into writing.

There are reports that the governor of Hawaii cannot locate Barack Obama's birth certificate. Reports also indicate that he is very upset that he took it surfing with him.

A University of Colorado Student paid $14,300 in tuition in one dollar bills...to a stripper named Candy trying to put herself through college.

A University of Colorado Student paid $14,300 in tuition in one dollar bills. Rumor has it he made it rain on the office of student services.

A University of Colorado Student paid $14,300 in tuition in one dollar bills. In exchange, he received 57,200 quarters which got him 858,000 minutes of parking. Or two hours on 8th Avenue in New York City.


Several fabulously wealthy folks are collaborating to create the world's most expensive yacht that will cost approximately 1.1 trillion dollars and instead of a pool on board, will have its own beach. The big surprise here: No lifeguard.

Several fabulously wealthy folks are collaborating to create the world's most expensive yacht that will cost approximately 1.1 trillion dollars and will essentially be a floating city. And to kick things off, they are going to sail it from Ireland to New York City in the middle of the night.

Several fabulously wealthy folks are collaborating to create the world's most expensive yacht that will cost approximately 1.1 trillion dollars. The owners are planning on calling it "The Republican Health Care Plan."


Several fabulously wealthy folks are collaborating to create the world's most expensive yacht that will cost approximately 1.1 trillion dollars. The owners are planning on calling it "Obamacare"


Arnold Schwarzenegger said in an interview that he was "addicted to being governor". He followed up by saying his pleads for "Just one more term baby, you know I'm good for it" fell on deaf ears.

Former Governor Schwarzenegger said in an interview if he had known how hard California would be hit by the recession, he would have cut state budgets earlier. He also said he would not run for governor if he knew how unpopular he was going to become.

Arnold Schwarzenegger complained in an interview that he lost out on making 200 million dollars by being governor of California. He said this right before rocketing into the sky with a golden jetpack, presumably on a mission to punch Mona Lisa through the face.

Dick Cheney is considering a heart transplant. It would be the first time ever that he had a change of heart.

Dick Cheney is considering a heart transplant. He's looking at something a little blacker.

Dick Cheney is considering a heart transplant. Surprisingly, he's looking for a heart that is less willing to attack.

Dick Cheney has been considering a heart transplant. In his search for a willing donor, he was overheard lamenting, "Can't we find bin Laden already?"

Dick Cheney told NBC that he's currently getting by on a battery operated heart pump.

Dick Cheney is in need of a heart transplant. He said, "I'd shoot my own mother in the face for a new one."

Dick Cheney has been talking about how he might need a new heart. He went on to say, "Oooooil."

Dick Cheney is in the market for a new heart. He plans to eat it with a Sprite.

A study suggests that married couples may not understand each other because they are TOO close. This study brought to you by the NFL.

A study suggests that married couples may not understand each other because they are TOO close. Part of this study was that they were also TOO LOUD!

Blood tests from people affected by the gulf oil spill revealed alarming levels of toxic chemicals. Several hours later they were again, able to pass a breathalyzer.

A Canadian student wore a pair of $167 jeans every day for 15 months as a part of a scientific experiment. A Mexican day laborer wore a pair of 167 peso jeans every day for 15 months as part of a uniform.

Rahm Emmanuel was declared ineligible to run for Chicago mayor because he did not live there the year prior to the election. In response, Emmanuel said, "The President isn't even a citizen and you won't even give me a shot at one lousy city?"

Many prominent Republicans are not attending an RNC sponsored event because a gay rights group was invited, choosing instead to hold a meeting of their own inside of a closet.

Many prominent Republicans are not attending an RNC sponsored event because a gay rights group was invited, choosing instead to suppress their desires to attend.

The Packers and Bears faced off in the NFC championship this week and Bears QB Jay Cutler was pulled in the 3rd Quarter with a knee injury. Or as they call it in Green Bay, a whining problem.

The Packers and Bears faced off in the NFC championship this week and Bears QB Jay Cutler was pulled in the 3rd Quarter with a knee injury. Or as they call it in Green Bay, a sore butthole.

The Packers and Bears faced off in the NFC championship this week and Bears QB Jay Cutler was pulled in the 3rd Quarter with a knee injury. Brett Favre later texted Cutler a picture of his penis having mistaken him for a woman.

After Jay Cutler's disappointing performance and early exit from the NFC Championship, fans already began burning Jay Cutler jerseys in the streets, but were met with disappointment when the jersey quit burning just over halfway through.

President Obama gave his SOTU address and Democrats and Republicans sat together by state and not by party affiliation. Or if you represent Texas, by party affiliation.

President Obama gave his SOTU address and Democrats and Republicans sat together during the address. Some Republicans praised the idea saying, it'll finally give me a chance to get close enough to ask gay congressman Barney Frank out on a date. (Nancy Pelosi)

A German porn star died after undergoing her 6th breast augmentation surgery. Tits a real shame.

A German porn star died after undergoing her 6th breast augmentation surgery. She actually choked to death.

A German porn star died after undergoing her 6th breast augmentation surgery. She suffocated in her sleep.

A German porn star died after undergoing her 6th breast augmentation surgery. Friends will remember her as "that smart girl"

A German porn star died after undergoing her 6th breast augmentation surgery. Friends will still remember her as "that girl with the huuge vagina."

A German porn star died after undergoing her 6th breast augmentation surgery. Friends will remember her as A SLUT.

A German porn star died after undergoing her 6th breast augmentation surgery. Friends will remember her as an easy lay.

A German porn star died after undergoing her 6th breast augmentation surgery. Friends will always remember THE WAY SHE BLEW DICKS.

A German porn star died after undergoing her 6th breast augmentation surgery. Friends say they will always remember the way she used to float in swimming pools.